While watering my plants on this hot summer day I am looking at my neighbor’s patio. The couple is sitting at their picnic table enjoying a typical Swiss dinner: Bratwurst (a type of sausage) and French fries. A bottle of white wine sits next to two full glasses. I can hear their soft voices and relaxed conversation.
I am a little jealous. Not because I am all by myself. I know they would ask me to join them. I am a little jealous because I don’t eat this kind of food anymore. I am vegan. I still do French fries once in a while and still drink occasionally a glass of wine. But this kind of lifestyle just does not agree with me anymore.
Many years ago my body started to refuse meat, later any type of animal protein like dairy, eggs, cheese etc. Then it said no to soy and any baked goods made of wheat. It is not a problem for me. I have learned to cook and bake the most delicious meals without any of those ingredients. So why should I be jealous?
I miss the social aspect sharing a meal. All my old friends, many of my new ones also, including my family, are eating and drinking everything you can find in any common supermarket. Whenever we go out together, whenever I am invited to their home I am the only “strange” person, who can’t eat this and that and needs a special meal. Along with gatherings around such meals come conversations I am not really interested in. There is a lot of gossip about other people, complaints about the political situation and negative chitchatting about this or that. I then realize that I start feeling bad and sick. I try to turn the conversation around and mention how beautiful the weather has been, how nice somebody looks, how friendly the waitress is, how lucky we are to live in such a free country etc. Many times I manage to change negative conversations around, especially if we are not a big crowd. But even on the rare occasions when someone makes a positive comment, somebody quickly changes it back and starts complaining and gears the conversation back to negative predictions. It is so tiring!
So, out of loneliness or maybe out of being fed up with not being part of the crowd anymore and longing to belong to the “normal” ones again, I decide to accept a partner who is just one of the “normal” crowd. He is a charming man, about my age, whom I meet through an Internet partner search. According to the site, we even have a lot of “matching points”. All seems just perfect. Friends and family like him. He is fascinated by me since I seem so different from all the other women he has known. He can’t stop praising me, pays me compliments and tells me every day how much he loves me. What more can one want?
From almost the beginning, my heart warns me by telling me “no”. But I ignore this gentle voice. I tell myself that I should consider myself fortunate to find such a nice man. I am flattered by his compliments. I feel reassured by the approval of many of my friends. We have a lot of nice meals together; he seems even interested in my food habits and joins me in cooking my type of foods. But daily, I can see his longing for alcohol. With each meal, he is used to having several glasses of wine. I sense he is missing eating his steaks or fish. He has stopped drinking his daily dose of whiskey and is not smoking his cigar in my presence. I don’t forbid him to do so. He does it on his own because he knows I don’t like it. He does it for me, as he says.
So much of what I do is new to him. Taking walks in the woods or mountains, riding bikes, swimming, dancing. He joins in because of me. And I start to meditate less and less, doing less and less of my regular yoga, cutting corners on my reading spiritual books. I start to adapt more and more to his life style, which at one point in my life was also similar to mine, eating out, driving in the car from one place to the other instead of walking or taking the bike. I find myself getting into the hectic life of going places instead of just being in quiet nature.
I feel my heart is sad, my body is aching and I finally have to give in to my truth. I can no longer ignore how far I have gone from my normal rhythm, a place, where I don’t need distractions, where I am just happy with me, all by myself. Being happy to just tend my few flowerbeds, to take an evening walk, to listen to the birds in the morning, to cook a nice vegan meal with organic vegetables. I used to enjoy talking to strangers who looked tired or sad. I would cheer them up with a few nice words or just a smile. I miss sitting with likeminded people who understand me without my giving long explanations. I have reached a point where I want a slow and simple life. No more hectic coming and going to places, no more glamor with “important” people, no more eating out in fancy restaurants, no more driving in expensive cars, no need for label clothes, no need of bragging of what I own or can. I suddenly realize how far away I went to live a life my boyfriend is still living. I have to admit, I can’t and I don’t want to do this anymore. I tell him that our relationship has to come to an end. He cannot understand. How could he!
A few days later I take a walk with a friend of mine. I tell her I just had to terminate my relationship with Jack. I tell her we were just too far apart, our lifestyles were too different. I don’t have to say much more. I don’t have to explain anything. She understands immediately, although she has never met Jack. She only says: “I understand, you can’t go back!”
What a relief! I don’t have to explain myself. I don’t have to justify myself. There is someone who simply understands. No need to ask any questions, she just knows, I can’t go back to Bratwurst, sipping wine and chitchat on a regular basis.
I am very grateful for that trusted voice within. I now know what I really want and need!